Thursday, January 27, 2011

I Am Enough . . .

Why is it that I have struggled so much with being enough?  I can write these words, read them and even some days actually believe them. But there are all the other days when the voice of inadequacy becomes louder than that written word and when I start wondering if I am really enough to be a photographer, artist or even writer of a blog and can I do it in a way that will give meaningful inspiration to others.

Am I enough because I never went to college. Am I enough because I no longer have that cute figure from my younger years and that time is starting to show in my face. Am I enough because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't know how to do it any other way. Am I enough because I am not perfect. I have never been one to compare materials things, but I am guilty of comparing myself to how well others do things. I have questioned all these things and more, but I can say at this point that I am finally on that journey of discovering what is enough, the process of becoming me again. The one I forgot. The person I have always been but didn't see.

About five years ago my women's bible study group studied the book of Romans and the cover of the workbook said, "free, released to be uniquely me". It was this study that had a significant impact on the way I viewed myself and was an extraordinary launch into my journey. We talked about a glory bestowed upon us, an original glory that was greater than anything that has ever taken our breath away in nature. I don't know about you, but the beauty of nature has more than stolen my breath so it was a statement that captivated my attention. To think that when we were created God gave each of us a glory so deep that all creation pales in comparison. A glory unique to each of us and one that deep inside I think we have all been looking for ever since. But somehow over time I had come to believe I was not enough.

And then during our study I came across a writing by Marianne Williamson that moved me to tears and tugged at my heart. It was a moment when something clicked in the deepest part of my soul. Maybe it wasn't just about being enough, but something more.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

"Who are you not to be?"  WOW! I read that question and then I read it again. This question echoed within me, and it was one that I couldn't easily answer. Was I afraid of my own light because that brought more uncertainty about being enough. I began to realize that I was not granting myself the same permission that I felt free to give others. I was so busy trying to measure up to what I thought should be enough for me that I lost track of the knowledge that I was already enough. I was beginning to see that the only person that could really give me permission to be enough was me.

What I have learned is that you and I are enough. All that we are is adequate for what we want and need, and who we are is sufficient enough for the purpose of satisfying our dreams and our desires because we were made unique. Because each of us was made a shade of color like no other person on earth. It's been here all along.

I am just so thankful that God is all about reclaiming the potential he has planted within me because too many times I have turned my back in fear. When I look back I see that He always keeps me in close proximity to where I should be, and waits. I have learned more about living in the imperfect moment and I feel alive at the wonder of the world through renewed eyes. I also know that how I see myself will determine how I live and that when I see myself as enough, it will help serve as permission for others. I want to be all that I was created to be without fear.

I am learning to be me again, the girl who used to wear feathers in her hair only now they're pink highlights, and I am dancing like no one is watching. I leave the house with dishes in the sink and dust bunnies in the corners and I go to my metals class to create art from my life. I am letting go of who I think I should be and embracing who I am . . . a vulnerable woman full of passion for the smallest things in life who is not perfect. A woman who is enough just the way I am.

Love, Kim


katherine said...

I am learning that the word "should" is one of the most destructive and negative words in our language. It has taken me years to learn this, to take it to heart, to live with it. To forget that word! Without that word I can be so much more.
Thanks for reminding me (even if you didn't realize you were doing it).

PS said...

I sure do love you and where you are headed. I can only marvel at your ability and growth. And do my best to keep the dust bunnies corralled and the dishes clean.

Anonymous said...

Good post! I'm right there with you Kim.

Janet Bocciardi said...

Beautiful post, Kim. Thank you for writing from your heart. Do you feel free-er having done so or more anxious?

As you know, I'm in this with you, too. I stall in creating for fear I will be caught at being an inferior artist to... How strange that we do that to ourselves when we admire each artist for their uniqueness not in comparison to anyone else.

Let me tell you that I love your photography and writing and since they come from your heart I must love you, too. I suppose some fear or anxiety is good, as it makes us grow, but only as long as we get through it and don't let it keep us from where we're going.

Kim Stevens said...

You know, I can say that I have never written until now and that there is something freeing in doing so. I think I first wanted to do this to have a deeper connection to people and the universe because I believe there is so much more than our own back yard, but I'm finding it's creating a deeper connection with myself. And yes fear and anxiety is a balancing act in order to keep us going in a forward motion.

I am very happy to have found a friend in you, and I love ya back!!

Marvett Smith said...

Hi Kim,
Just visiting from flickr. I had to pop over and see what you had written about since you referenced it was the same as my bookmarks. What a great post! I love it, and I love your photos. My bookmarks are for a lesson in church on Sunday. I hope others love them too!

Kim Stevens said...

Well, thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Lucky them to receive such a beautiful bookmark so lovingly made!

L said...

Kim, I read this again and I wish that all could read this wonderful, inspirational words that you have shared from the deepest part of your heart. Thank you my friend. You are truely blessed.
Love ya, Lois

Floody said...

Hey Kim

I just wanted to say a big thank you for giving us all the opportunity to learn from your experience, it really says something about the kind of person you are, just beautiful!

Even though we don't know each other to me it feels like we know each other, because I can relate to you in so many ways.

I will always come back to this blog. And I know I've posted 3 years late...but who cares!

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