Why is it that I have struggled so much with being enough? I can write these words, read them and even some days actually believe them. But there are all the other days when the voice of inadequacy becomes louder than that written word and when I start wondering if I am really enough to be a photographer, artist or even writer of a blog and can I do it in a way that will give meaningful inspiration to others.
Am I enough because I never went to college. Am I enough because I no longer have that cute figure from my younger years and that time is starting to show in my face. Am I enough because I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't know how to do it any other way. Am I enough because I am not perfect. I have never been one to compare materials things, but I am guilty of comparing myself to how well others do things. I have questioned all these things and more, but I can say at this point that I am finally on that journey of discovering what is enough, the process of becoming me again. The one I forgot. The person I have always been but didn't see.
About five years ago my women's bible study group studied the book of Romans and the cover of the workbook said, "free, released to be uniquely me". It was this study that had a significant impact on the way I viewed myself and was an extraordinary launch into my journey. We talked about a glory bestowed upon us, an original glory that was greater than anything that has ever taken our breath away in nature. I don't know about you, but the beauty of nature has more than stolen my breath so it was a statement that captivated my attention. To think that when we were created God gave each of us a glory so deep that all creation pales in comparison. A glory unique to each of us and one that deep inside I think we have all been looking for ever since. But somehow over time I had come to believe I was not enough.
And then during our study I came across a writing by Marianne Williamson that moved me to tears and tugged at my heart. It was a moment when something clicked in the deepest part of my soul. Maybe it wasn't just about being enough, but something more.
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
"Who are you not to be?" WOW! I read that question and then I read it again. This question echoed within me, and it was one that I couldn't easily answer. Was I afraid of my own light because that brought more uncertainty about being enough. I began to realize that I was not granting myself the same permission that I felt free to give others. I was so busy trying to measure up to what I thought should be enough for me that I lost track of the knowledge that I was already enough. I was beginning to see that the only person that could really give me permission to be enough was me.