Thursday, September 4, 2014

Life seeking life . . .


I have at times called myself a finder of things and a seeker of light. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm finding things or if they are finding me, or maybe it's because on some days I have just enough courage to show up and we somehow meet in the middle.

The truth is, I don't always... have the courage to show up, that is. Sometimes showing up is just plain hard.

And about that light, it's not so much what comes from the rays of the sun or that golden hour, but what comes from His light. What I'm seeking is that light in all things. That deep spiritual connection that illuminates the path that on occassion can feel like it's traveled in the darkness.

This summer I feel like I lost my way a bit. The path just didn't feel as illuminated, not because the light wasn't there, because His always is....but because even though I looked I just couldn't see through the noise. My focus was off and my depth of field was too narrow.

I felt helpless.

I felt quiet.

I felt a little angry.

I felt a little sad.

I felt a little numb.

I was distracted.

As I mentioned in June, my sweet boy ended up in the hospital due to an abscess from a staff infection on his face. IV antibiotics and a plastic surgeon to drain it. But all that inflammation, well, it doesn't go away overnight and neither does the scarring. And after this last year and a half with his diagnosis of a rare form of juvenile arthritis, a heart scare, a bone marrow biopsy, a rare leg bleed and this . . . it's just a lot for a parent to process let alone a 17 year old.

We got home he didn't go anywhere this summer...I mean anywhere!

Not out with us,
not with friends,
not to strength and conditioning,
not to get his hair cut,
no where.

It's so very hard to watch your child try to navigate a chronic illness let alone the territory of being a teenager. It's so very hard as a mom, a parent, even if I'm not a control freak to not be able to make it better.

Yeah, that realization that I. can't. make. it. better.

Suddenly I found myself not wanting to go many places, even places that he wouldn't have gone anyway. Because it just didn't feel right for him to be home by himself.

I didn't write,
I didn't edit,
I rarely made it to my computer.

And then it happened. A couple of friends would stop by, then he went fishing and then football started. And little by little I saw glimpses of him returning to his old self. And just like that I felt my heart grow three sizes.

And yesterday, something clicked for me. I can't explain it really. I don't even know if this will make any sense. It was chapter 9, Life Seeking Life, in the book God Is at Eye Level.

I was at Starbucks...{I hadn't been inside all summer with my books and journal.} I found myself nodding my head, feeling like she had eavesdropped on my thoughts. How she is drawn into the pulse and heart beat of the world around her and to its pain and heart wrenching passions, and how she cries, in joy, at the things she witnesses.

Yes, yes, and yes.

She went on to tell the story of  a day when she was taking photographs along a wooden boardwalk when she heard what she thought were footsteps. When she finally turns to look it's a fawn that had been following her and when she reached out he put his sweet nose into her hand. By this time I'm starting to pack up because I feel a good cry coming on.

...deep breath

Here she was out looking for life and it found her! And you know what? That happened to me all summer, with the dragonflies especially. I may have been distracted by some of the noise that I probably created for myself, maybe even a roadblock, but was awake enough to witness those slivers of light. Literally, as it danced across their wings....like the stars light up the night.

Our creator places these things in our paths in hopes that we will take notice, that we will pay attention and send it back out into the world. We are to be receivers and givers. We just have to listen with our eyes and our hearts through all the clutter or we'll miss it.

Life seeking life...that totally happened from my front porch. Photography is like "home sweet home" when our hearts are aligned with spirit, present in the moment at hand, open to the wonder of it all.


Dragonfly Abstract
"The edge of light"


Hallelujah, I think I'm back!
Houston, we have a safe landing . . .

Love, Kim


sharing with Little Things Thursday, Thursday Favorite Things, Friday Finds





31 comments:

Viv@within the Frame said...

Bless you Kim. I so know what it is like to live with someone who's has a chronic illness. It is so difficult seeing them suffer and wanting to shoulder that burden from them. My thoughts are with you all as you continue to work your way through this tough journey. All I can say is my boy came through wiser, tougher and more compassionate because of what he went though. Big hugs, welcome back I wish I could give you a hug across the sea....

linda said...

To experience and live through the hard and suffering and to find the light again is, well, hard to describe but the release and the burden lifted, at least some, is wonderful. Glad he is out & about some and that you made it to Starbuck's.

Adrienne said...

Well, now I'm in tears. A HUGE yes to all of this. "Loosing" a child - as in watching their spirit slip away into darkness, confusion, pain, failure...any kind of struggle...is by far the deepest darkness of my life. And I remind myself that as long as they have life within them, we are blessed more than some...but it is still so so hard. YES to the dragonflies and the light on their wings! YES to the stillness and awareness that invites God to find us just exactly where we are. Your dragonfly abstract is when the tears began to fall - I'm just in love with the light on their wings...and this is so beautiful!!!

Susan said...

So glad to hear your back, and that your son is coming around! Life is one huge journey of ups and downs. Just remember that the Lord will never give us more than we can handle, and he is with you every step of the way! I LOVE the abstract dragonfly…the wings sparkle with light and love!

Tamar SB said...

My heart goes out to you, Kim!! I can only imagine the darkness this caused you. May the path forward be filled with light!!

carol l mckenna said...

Your post shows incredible insight to being alive, being a parent to your son and to yourself as well ~ Beautiful post! Love gets us through and your photography is so divine! So creative! One foot in front of the other sometimes ~ Being in the now ~ Have a wonderful weekend and thanks for sharing this as most of us go through times like yours ~ not exactly ~ Life is a river with twists and turns, yet always flowing ~ xoxoxx

artmusedog and carol (A Creative Harbor)

Kim said...

Bless your sweet soul. I know this has been a hard time. I'm thankful that God never leaves us without hope and light. I love the way He uses His creation to speak to you and show you His presence. I'm glad you have safely landed once again. Welcome back.

Kathryn Dyche Dechairo said...

This pulls at my heart Kim for you and your family. When I'm in pain with my facial neuralgia or my back my mum is beside herself knowing there is nothing she can do to fix it. But it's not about fixing things, its about being there, with love, with life. Such a beautifully raw and open post. Hugs my friend.

Brenda said...

So glad that things have turned around toward the better for you and your son. Having gone through a cancer scare with my son - he is still clean 4 year in - I can sympathize with the impact a serious illness can have.

I absolutely LOVE your "HOME" image - I keep meaning to try this - finding the alphabet. And your dragonfly abstract - well, there are no words. Wondrous!

Lisa Gordon said...

How much you have been through, and yes indeed it is so hard when a hug and a kiss just cannot make things better. I still fight so much with that.

I am glad things are starting to turn around for your son, and for you, Kim. xo.

Carol Albers said...

Oh Kim - I so feel for you. My daughter was so sick when she was born, and there just was no way to help. Inadequate to help those you love is a terrible way to be. Im glad your faith in God, nature, and life is sustaining you. The drago fly abstract is absolutely beautful it brought tears.

Ida said...

This was such a heartfelt post. So thankful that you are finding your way back and that your son is doing better.

Nicki said...

I could literally feel the weight of your words, and feel the empathy of your situation. Praise all that your son has emerged from the cocoon of this summer. I pray for his strength through the challenges of his age and health. I pray for your strength as well.

Your art and photography (one and the same) is breath-taking.

Cathy H. said...

Kim, I so admire your strength and courage. It's good to hear that things are looking better. As you said God is always there and he cares! Praying for you!

June Caedmon said...

Dearest, Kim. Thank God for golden dragonflies. Sometimes His winged blessings are all we have to link us to His Truth, because sometimes nothing else in life makes sense. So glad you are moving back into the Light. Your absence has been noticed. You and the beauty you create and share has been missed. Blessings.

Anita Johnson said...

This was hard for me to read...I too have felt off this summer with my own battle with Lyme Disease. In fact, I feel at times I am still waiting for health and summer to BEGIN. I am thankful you see your son changing. And I too thank God for the dragonflies in life.

The Wandering Shutter Fly said...

I'm glad that you have safely landed too..I thank God for the blessing of having met you in person.:-)

tiarastantrums said...

aww . . . sad glad to hear your little man is getting out and about again . . and that your momma soul has been restored! That dragonfly is stunning

Jade @ Tasting Grace said...

I'm sorry you and your son had such a hard summer, but I'm so glad he's coming out of his shell again and rediscovering life, and that you are too! Resilience is such a beautiful thing.

kathyinozarks said...

Love and hugs

Melinda said...

Beautiful words today- I'm sad for what you and your boy have been going through- you expressed it so poignantly. And that dragonfly image- magical and beautiful! I'm moved by how your creativity comes from this inner place of spirit- fed by your love for your son- and by grace. Sending love.

J Bonafilla said...

How my heart goes out to you ... as a mother I was really moved by your son's situation. I'm so glad that things have turned a corner, and that you can see light at the end of the tunnel. I hope your faith will sustain you and give you strength for the rest of the journey. I pray that he will continue to improve and get stronger. All the very best, Bonny

Michelle B said...

My heart goes out to you. As mothers it hurts when our kids hurt, probably more so than if it was us who was in pain. I am glad you and your son are finding your way through. If only there was a guidebook... The sparkle on your dragonfly is spectacular.

Donna Hopkins said...

Thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. As you work through this life and it's struggles, you help me to work through my own. And that little glimmer of hope that will blossom into full blown joy is the same for me. Your abstract photo of the flutter of the dragonfly is such a completely engaging photo.

Kerri Farley said...

Very moving.... I'm tearing up ....Thank you for sharing

Barbara said...

No words that I have to say here can really tell you how much this is wonderful but it really is Kim. I am glad your son has made a turn around so thankful. The dragonfly is just awesome.

Roxi -Coppercurls Designs said...

Thanks for baring your soul. I knew it wasn't like you to be so scarce But I'm glad you're out of the cocoon and your son out of his. Love your 'word' photos.

Sarah Huizenga said...

It is so frustrating when we can't make it better. You needed the summer to think and be. I know how you feel on many levels. I know you will make it through.

Anonymous said...

Your honesty and authenticity are inspiring, Kim -- and the dragonfly image is unlike anything I've ever seen.

Sherry said...

Kim, that last comment was from me. Not sure why it came through as anonymous...

Katherines Corner said...

my hand in yours and hugs all around. The dragonfly abstract is wonderful. your porch is beautiful.Thank you for sharing at the Thursday Favorite Things Blog Hop. I hope you saw the new giveaway I posted yesterday. xo

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